dogs know it!

in my latest attempt to find provide my life with clarity and meaning, i have decided to pursue sports more aggressively. my first endeavour in achieving this aim was to join some of the rock journalist's friends for a spirited game of soccer-baseball (aka kickball) over beers and tokes in an unlit park in mount pleasant recently. it was under a full moon, that i encountered the lad i will describe only as justin timberlake.

on meeting him, he seemed to instantly take interest in me. his vibe seemed very cock-positive, a point that was underscored when he was selected to be a team captain. young j.t. selected all the boys for his team and christened us "the epiphany faggots". i was beaming on the inside. we charmed each other for most of the evening, however on inquiring to a friend which way j.t. swang i was informed that he likes girls and sports a cock-ring.

ah! i thought. here we go again, evil...

seems i have a complete distatse for actual homo's instead preferring a dog's breakfast of flirty straight boys, bi-sexuals, and closet cases. a note about gaydar: it's seldom wrong. to those types who protest by referencing said closet-cases past forays with pussies, i have two words...

sir elton

fags can get married too, remember?. but it don't change shit. a green weiner is a green weiner, as an old friend once said. i've noticed that i consistently get obsessed with closeted/repressed homos. put one in a room with me and i'm gobsmacked. why? i've concluded it can only be because i was stuck inside monsieur closet (pronounced: closay) for so fucking long, i feel a kind of duty to provide these poor boys with salvation. the idea of being someone's first also appeals to me as i'm sure it does to everyone. this of course, got me thinking. first, if got me thinking about what it is that draws me to these types. secondly it got me thinking about the signals that i get that indicate sexuality. finally, it got me thinking that this would make a heck of a blog entry...

so without further ado, i present evil's five steps to dealing with/identifying/supporting closeted and repressed homo's:

1. don't be fooled by appearances

the first trick is to not be fooled. metrosexuals may act gay, yet are straight. leathermen act straight, yet gobble sperm with more passion than stephen harper gobbles babies. what does all this mean? simply, it means that appearances mean nothing. it's more nuanced than that.

2. if you are male and walk into a room of strangers the male that avoids eye contact with you and fails to introduce himself after all the others have himself is a homo

this is gospel. he's threatened by you so he backs away.

3. flirting is flirting

whether the brother is an uber-fag or a lumberjack, you know when someone is flirting with you. even if someone masquerades as a breeder, if he flirts he's into it. this does not mean talking, laughing, emoting, etc. this refers only to flirting. end of story.

4. never underestimate the lengths some homos will go to to conceal the truth

living in a lie can provoke some shocking behaviours. sir elton was once married.

5. the period during which most gay men begin to address and explore their sexuality is a stupid stupid time

but necessary. please be patient... and supportive.

all this said, lately i am on the "who the fuck cares band-wagon". it's not interesting which gender of lover i have. i've been wtih both men and women. most fags, bull dykes and straights i know have. i seem to think the sex is better with the fellas, but sometimes i wonder. you are only defined by your sexuality if you let yourself be defined by it.

j.t. will sail off into the sunset just like the others, but a boy has gotta keep himself amused, don't you think?