scandal!

pssst! fuck my mouth!

well well well pussies and pricks... i've kept the silence as long as i possibly can, but there is something i must tell you. the tale i am about to tell you was told me to by both parties, thus i can guarantee its authenticity. seems in a downtown vancouver watering hole one week ago tonight, two of this blog's leading personalities encountered one another -- drank and smoked themselves silly -- then went home and shagged like newlyweds.

i kid you not.

through the artful placement of upper case lettering in a post earlier this week, i alluded to it. however, at the request of both parties i have kept silent. until now... yes, folks: pussy and the dilettante had a raucous love affair. here's the proof!

From: "the puss"
Date: 26 Apr 10:52 (PDT)
To: "evil"
Subject: Re: Re: A Remarkable Turn of Events

Hey,
As long as you promise to not write haikus about my little rendez-vous, I will tell you. And it starts with running into gashish, etc.

You'll never believe it - I diddled the Dilletante! I can hardly believe it.

After much imbibing and toking the night ended with me, Poon and the Dilletante sharing a cab. When I asked him where he would like to be dropped off he said my place so I took him home and well, the rest is history. Who'd have ever guessed that such a union would occur. Your thoughts?

Puss

this is the ACTUAL email i was treated with in my inbox on tuesday. well, at first my intent was to honour my committment with the puss and keep the secret (albeit drops hints on the blog -- fuck it, nobody's perfect...). however, a conversation with genesis convinced me otherwise. his argument was if the dilettante threw pussy the steak it was because they *wanted* to provide fodder for the royal canadian haiku factory while building their legends in cyber-space...

i couldn't agree more. so let's have a haiku or three for the newlyweds, the dilettante and the puss....

smear campaign 8: alfonso gagliano

readers! smear him!

now this motherfucker deserves death by a thousand haikus. first, he fucks up everything in quebec with the sponsorship scandal. then he goes on the national media to prognosticate how the liberals are fanning the flames of quebec separation?! can we get some fucking leadership back on parliament hill please?

and has anyone else noticed his chilling resemblance to the new pope? haiku this piece of shit!

death to babyboomers

aPologies dear readers... i see i have once again left yoU begging for more. after almoSt two weekS of sickness and hoop jumping exercises at my b-list academic institution, the big belge and i decided to flake out of town for the weekend and head to niagara falls and niagara-on-the-lake for a weekend of behaving like dilettantes. kicking back, eating, and drinking wine was the intent for the weekend, and we pulled it off in fine stYle.

i am pleased to report that aFter a weekend oUtside of ottawa in Crappy southern ontario, ottawa has never looKED so good. travel the 401 and the qew between oshawa and st. catharines and you will know what i mean. the urban planners responsible for this kind of develop need to be violently murdered. who's with me?

speaking of THE revolution, who's up for it? after watching the our DIpshit prime minister paul martin and his LibErals make a fine mess of This counTry's politicAl system and readiNg this bullshit article today, i've decided that iT is timE that the babyboomers were removed from the political process entirely. in fact, anyone who knows me well, will have heard me state that i feel all babyboomers need to be herded up into work camps where we can use their unpaid labour to repair the damages to the environment. that includes you, alex munter...

these fucking babyboomers just have no fucking idea what they're doing. let's smear them today...

conversations: the dilettante

the dilettante and i were chatting on instant messaging software the other night...

evil says: please! smear rachel marsden!

the dilettante says: done

evil says: good.

dilettante says: did my muslim real estate agent show the place yet?

evil says: No.

dilettante says: bastard

evil says: we were both on our death-beds waiting for him yesterday, but he has yet to come...

dilettante says: death beds?

evil says: bad case of tonsillitis going around. i actually broke down and saw a doctor this morning.

dilettante says: hellagross

evil says: yep. ola and i were envisioning the scene of the muslim real estate agent coming in and her and i sitting in our bathrobes looking like death. fortunaltey it never happened.

dilettante says: thank god that didn't happen. if you see paul martin around town, could you please murder him for me? this business with parliament makes me physically ill.

evil says: paul martin? i saw D. Hurford on the way to the clinic this morning. almost added homicidal tendancies and projectile vomiting to my list of symptoms.

dilettante says: i'll never work in politics again, me thinks. these types will never be out of the game, and i refuse to get in while they're still there. mayhaps the revolution is more necessary than i first imagined. i've decided that once this first book is published i'm going to publicly declare an intellectual fatwah against douglas coupland.

evil says: JAJAJAJAJJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA

dilettante says: I'll need some fellow intellectuals to back me up. on call in shows and the like.

evil says: intellectual fatwah... i almost bought his new book 'terry' last week. $35 seemed a bit steep though...

dilettante says: barf. he claims to be donating all profits to the foundation, but of course he didn't donate his fat advance. he might as well just take photographs of his own genitalia and make a coffee table book out of those, for all the intellectual prostitution he's done in the past few years.

evil says: JAJAJAJAJJAJAJAJA Have you read Eleanor Rigby yet?

dilettante says: nope, heard terrible things about it. It's just a thinly veiled account of his own pathetic, lonely existence. boring!

evil says: everything has it's constituency... no matter how small and middle-aged.

dilettante says: i guess. but it doesn't count as art.

evil says: okay, gotta go eat.

dilettante says: talk to you later.

smear campaign 7: neo-con trash extraordinaire, rachel marsden

readers! smear her!

please refer to the comments section of the previous smear campaign for reasons why this sow-cow needs a good lashing. this chick purports to be a nice canadian girl, all the while selling canada out to the neo-con right in the united states just to keep her not-so-shiney-vaginey employed. she's intellectually bankrupt and has some serious issues with men as well...

haiku the shit out of this krunt!

smear campaign 6: british columbia premier gordon campbell

readers! smear him!

this one is too obvious... now that beautiful british columbia (home of the zaniest political culture in canada, with the exception of maybe quebec) finds itself in another election, it seems apropos that gordo gets a good smearing from the royal canadian haiku factory... i think any one who has followed canadian politics since 2001 has a few things to say on him. (anyone wanting to smear christy clark as well, may feel free to do so.)

haiku this motherfucker!

line of the day 10

"if i can't get laid i'm not interested..."
- ola (when asked if she'd like to attend a party with the so-called ottawa gay a-list...)

gilles for prime minister?

pssst! fuck my mouth...

well well well pussies and pricks... looks like we're in for another election this spring after the gomery inquiry's revelations this week. this got a chum and i prognosticating on possible election results (as the liberals are surely going to collapse almost everywhere), and he suggested that with the bloc sweeping quebec's 75 seats as likely, gilles duceppe could be an exciting contender for the p.m.o.

cos isn't a quebecois separatist just what canada needs as a prime minister?

so please... debate, discussion, haikus!

the dry finger episode (or, how an east-side girl came one step closer to becoming "the puss"...)

hello? can anyone tell me the way out of pussy's insides???

this will be the third time i have tried to write this entry… after receiving the following email from poontang, i was reminded of an old story…

evil,

wow, am i ever enjoying your blog more and more each day. it gives me a little surge of excitment in the midst of a boring ass night shift. so the girls all sat around playing cards the other day, it was a quiet sunday, cunt, t-tunt and i had just gone to the locus for some brunch when the puss called up to say her and suz were giving a big fuck-you to coffee and had moved on to booze. it was 2pm. so we went to suz's and played many games of asshole, in which puss was the steady hole for the first few rounds where she stayed until t-tunt had an unfortunate hand and took the title. then at the very last game, her drunk kicked in and she beat us all (only one hand) and suz was on fire givin' it to puss. it only fuelled her fire and before long it was a scene remniscent of a dry finger day. oh, the puss.

my favourite haiku of all time is the tea and sodomy. mostly because i can actually hear your voice saying it in the voice reserved for mimicking grandma.

write soon.
love poon xo
p.s. my main mission right now is to contradict genesis. he called me on, now look out, mwahh haha.

well, this got me to thinking that i hadn’t told you loyal readers the story of the evening i dry fingered the brains out of the puss...

so picture it. vansterdam. 2002. one quiet friday evening a gaggle of us piled into poontang and evil’s flat on vancouver's east side getting’ our drink on right some good. so for some reason (I can no longer remember) i end up giving the puss the ol’ roger dodger right where the streets have no name… (sorry, listening to some pet shop boys…) that’s right, i gave her the dry finger. i think the bet was that if i dry fingered her, she’d give me the skull pussy… or something like that. i fondly remember her deep breaths and that look of concentration on her face as I ramrodded my index finger through her denims and into what i presumed was her smooth cunt...

so anyhow, the next night is hallowe’en and puss and the dominatrix (her flatmate) are getting gussied up to go out on the town or some shit. so they holler holler down the steps and are all like: “yo evil! come up and hang out with us.”

i was staying in that night due to financial concerns, so i wander up the stairs to chill with these girls for a little while. the smokin’ brother of the puss is there in FULL DRAG. buoyed by the company of some hot ass, i decide to press the puss on the events of the night previous, in particular, the dry finger episode.

evil: yo puss, do you remember what we did last night?

puss: what did we do last night?

evil: …you mean you don’t remember?

puss: no. why?

evil: you know we ah…

puss: no, what…

evil: I started to finger you…

brother of the puss in FULL DRAG (with husky voice): YOU FINGERED MY SISTER???!!!!

puss: Oh, it was only a dry finger!

fuck I laughed til I sobbed. ahh… a favourite tale of mine… i had sorta forgotten all about that. let’s write a haiku to the puss, her hot brother and my stinky fingers….

smear campaign 5: genesis

this is what i found when i googled the words "genesis + criminal"

check out genesis' new blog and notice the solid mockery i made of him in his first comments section...

smear campaign 4: geriant wyn davies (again), dini petty and jeanne beker

geriant with jeanne beker...

geriant makes a 1992 appearance on the dini petty show...

well well well... geraint, you old dog. you get around so much you'd make carla colins blush. i figure we can begin to smear multiple canadian media figures all at once. this will save time and allow us to get to more pertinent topics like the mung/chode/taint debate that rages on. (get your votes in today!)

readers! smear them!

smear campaign 3: marlen cowpland and bunny

readers! smear her!

okay... I know you vancouver types are saying whatthefuck, but in blah-tawa, this woman is actually a local celebrity. msss marlen, host of 'celebrity pets with marlen cowpland' and the garrish wife of michael cowpland (former?) ceo to corel is notorious in ot-twat for her live-in fashion designer and her garrish outfits, and it totally deserving of being the next victim of the royal canadian hiaku factory's smear campaign...

give it to her.

blog-poll 2: mung v. chode

pssst! fuck my mouth!

excuse the homoerotica, pussies and pricks... but genesis and i got into the whole mung v. chode debate the other day and i was *challenged* to post it on the blog... yes, that's right. CHALLENGED. so, the space between the arsehole and the nuts that this horny homo is about to give a polishing with his tongue... is it a mung or a chode?

vote in the comments section... there's alot at stake riding on the outcome of this poll, so please vote and vote often...

smear campaign 2: geriant wyn davies

readers! smear him!

a little obscure, no? well, i started looking for pictures of camilla scott for my second smear campaign and found (not only in addition to her playing melissa horton on 'gays of our lives' in 1990-91) that she made a cameo on the ctv series 'katts and dog' in 1989. this lead me to search for 'katts and dog' on the web at which point i found a link for geriant wyn davies who made a number of appearances on that particular series, and i thought to myself: fuck this smarmy 1980s cunt! i'm going to get my minions to smear this motherfucker.

haiku his ass.

in ot-twat news, the talk of the town is the 'young professionals gala' tonight which everyone seems to be going to. aka: the fucking prom for young bureaucrats... pathetic!

smear campaign 1: ben mulroney

readers! smear him!

I received the following correspondence from genesis in my inbox today (after a debate about the camilla scott show):

talk tv, channel 90

it's one of the free channels that I have with no cable. but i have to be careful because ben mulroney shows his ugly fucking fake face on there a lot. is there any chance that i could spearhead a smear campaign against ben mulroney on your blog site? possibly a smear campaign against camilla scott too? only because she had such a smug, egotistical attitudeand dykie-ass hair cut.

but first and foremost, we need to smear the FUCK out of ben mulroney. it needs to be swift and vicious.

genesis

so here you be genesis! let's smear the fuck out of this brian and mila spawned cum-stain in such a way that even belinda stronach would blush. (camilla scott -- watch out! you're next crunt!) haiku this motherfucker!