mullet rouge

the dilettante just rang to announce his intention to open another drinking establishment in vancity. i would encourage him in this endeavour as i feel it's just the thing he needs to seperate himself from politics while doing something productive with his life. he must just take care about the following things with bar opertations: ambience is key. location is key. good staff is key. get these three things right, and your bar will be like a license to print money.

that said, i miss my weekly romps to aloha room. my belgian concubine isn't interested in public appearances so much... ola flies to vansterdam for a much needed week of sun and sand tomorrow, so the big belge intends to move in to keep me from getting lonley. charming, but i have three papers and a final exam due in the next couple weeks, so i'll be a busy boy...

I was trying to identify something nuanced to describe my feelings today but this was all i could find... mullet rouge was the title of a project i was supposed to be working on some years back but it never got off the ground. pity. let's write haikus to this fine man.

a little more b.s.

not just another pretty face...

b.s.

my apologies faithful readers...

i realize that my blog has lost it's edge recently... see, it seems that for the first time in a while I'm actually... happy.

shock! horrorified gasps! screams!

yes, that's correct, a little brotherly love is all it takes for me to be a balanced individual. it also helps that i'm not physically repulsed by my current romantic interest, quite the opposite in fact. my needs in life are this simple. honest! thus my recent blog entries lack the vitriol that characterized them back in the early days of the royal canadian haiku factory when I was sexually frustrated and emotionally fatigued from my first ot-twat winter. my latest efforts to destroy belinda stronach has even fallen flat as upon reading an article about her in this week's edition of the hill times, i found myself actually admiring the ol' billionaire hieress and her curvy figure... just like i reclaimed the word 'cunt' back in the fall of 2002 on behalf of women everywhere, i think i have no choice but to endorse the electorial hopes of b.s. for the very same reason.

have i gone soft faithful readers? please, your haikus provide me the energy i need to plod ahead... send more you cunts!

belinda gets her interview on...

oh belinda!

if you have an extra minute or three, check out belinda and her interview with dave macgraw...

oh belinda

pssst! fuck my mouth...

watch out for this woman cunts and dicks... brains or no, she will take over. p.martin is too much a fucking idiot for her not to take over. perhaps we should all take a moment and write a haiku expressing our feelings on msss belinda and her lovely mouth...

genesis

and genesis was born...

it is with great pleasure boys and girls that i announce that we seem to have reached concensus on the 'name this cunt' contest... with one vote going to both poopie and genesis poopie pussy, genesis came out ahead with the staggering endorsement of four readers. readers like pussy, who organized support behind the 'name this cunt' campaign... congratulations genesis for finally joining the ranks. we weren't sure if you'd make the cu(n)t or not, but after all these years you've finally become one of the gang. cheers to you, you stretched cunt!

let's all write a haiku in the comments section to commemorate this fine occassion...

line of the day 9

"but i want to shake my ass!"
- ola (in the line-up for eigthies night at barrymores)

line of the day 8

"i'm like a pornstar here..."
- the romanian pornstar (at a dinner party last night)

gee jo

has anyone seen this joint? ola and i would like a review if possible...

story of my life

good day evil,
what is happening in your life that is keeping you away from your wonderful blog reports? i've really come to rely on them to brighten my otherwise lacklustre mornings at the office.
waiting in anticipation,
puss

apologies faithful readers. i feared this would happen after the departure of the dilettante. seems I have not had much to say on the haiku factory for some days. this is for a variety of reasons:

one) i had problems with the old computron 2500 for a few days...
two) i'm actually having regular sex
three) it's near ing the end of term and my studies at (b-list canadian university) are starting to heat up.

the issue of my belgian concubine is becoming a stressful topic for me. just when i meet someone in this wretched city i like, he announces that he got his internship with ___ and is moving to kyrgyzstan in a few months... dope. not only that, but now i get to be involved in the travel plans/excitement as if i gave a slash... life can be such a load of bullocks.

shonen knife live in ot-twat

yenta and the mathmatician took me out to the shonen knife concert friday night at babylon... those little japanese mamas know how to rock. that show was hot. if you get the chance, go check those cunts out. i fully would recommend them...

special shout out to the cunt who is feeling the jets-go collapse. airlines can be such fuckers. maybe next time, cunt-o-rama. maybe next time...

blog-poll: name this cunt

this is what i found when i googled r____'s full name... what name does this inspire, oh faithful followers?

last week when i posted r____'s review of duran duran's vansterdam show, i (for lack of anything better) referred to him as boy-pussy. crushed by a million kilos of guilt, i altered it a few days later. however, as you'll notice below a few people picked up on it:

yo evil,
we all know that boy-pussy is r____. i think you must come up with a better name for him. i find it hard to believe that with a group which includes evil, poontang, pussy, madame bouvier and cunt we don't have a witty name for r____. shall we put our heads together on this one? perhaps get a little input from the others. maybe you could do a poll on your blog. i need more details about your love life. as mine is temporarily stalled i have to live vicariously through others.
l8r,
puss-o-plenty

so what do we think peoples? using the comments section on this blog (this entry in particular), let's put out foggy heads together and find a name for r___... the winning name will be announced whenever the fuck i get arond to it.

alligator al

i'm unsure why i am obsessed with the personalities of my childhood this week, but I am... (alligator al was the shit, ne penses-tu pas?)

not much to report this week: the dilettante retunred from toronto just long enough to collect black pussy and whisk him away to vansterdam. le belge tres charmant et grand appears to be working his way into my life (and my ass) at the speed of lightning and has even taken to wearing my clothes to work... my apologies to r____ for temporarily calling him boy-pussy on this blog.

the cindy cronk fansite

pssst! fuck my mouth!

duran duran live in vansterdam

returning to my 'inbox analysis' series, i received this review of the latest duran duran concert yesterday from my mate r____ in vancity... from the sounds of it, the concert wasn't very good:


"i went to the duran duran concert last night. whoa. i got really loaded and got there after they started, and an usher showed us where our seats were, so we sat there. and then some girl told us that we were in the wrong seats so we all stood up and shuffled out. and then the usher told us that it was definetly ourseats, but the other usher on the left side was saying no it's not their seats, and the ushers clashed. so our usher, to spite the other, showed us all to the floor and set us loose on the floor. it was really fun, and the old songs that they are really well known for were soooo exactly perfectly performed. it was cool, but they mixed in a bunch of their new shit, and it sucked so fuckin' bad. i was extremely pissed (drunk) at this point, and when we went out after, i did shots of jack daniels, and i thought of you because you used to drink that when we were twelve. anyway, we all went for food, sloppy ass burger with mushrooms and fries and beer and shit. then i go home to bed and wake up feeling worse than I ever have in my life, had to work at ten. still very drunk. didn't eat anything before work. go to work. puke my guts at work. previous nights twelve hour digested mushrooms and french fries. and it wasn't a satisfying fire hose puke, it was blobby chunks that could only barely make it to the top of my throat only to be coughed into my mouth and spread around my mouth as i desperatly try to spit it out. bile. bile + twelve hour potatoes = acid blog chunks. mushrooms...i think. horrible. my eyes looked like the devil, all ruby red, but the green of my eyes was glowing like cryptonite. i took my thirty minute break and went to go home to lay down for a few minutes, and realized i was locked out of my flat, i left my keys at home that morning. had to shit. went back to work and sat on the very toilette of which my face was spewing yellowness just moments before, and proceeded to have the slowest and girthiest, butt splitting shit of my life. own it. it was only twelve o'clock, i still had six hours to go. nursed myself back to quasi-health with three v8s and four bottles of perrier water. made it. going to bed."
r____

polkaroo

polkaroo with cindy cronk

this put me into a fit of hysterics this morning. it's the opening monologue of the cbc radio one program the current...

"conservative groups in the u.s. are taking aim at children's televison and movies. the american family association believes programs like spongebob squarepants are advancing a gay agenda. and other "family values" organizations say the same thing is happening in films like shrek2 and the lion king.
currently, if you ask me, it's been going on up here (in canada) for a while. mr. dress up? isn't that what drag queens do? and ever wonder what goes on behind the polka dot door? Here's a hint, polkaroo! polkaroo! unbelievable. and then the dancing guy on today's special and the reading rainbow, and the romper room...
man, no wonder americans think we're all gay?"

pussy

starting with some old yarns from back in the day, let me tell you about this chick in vansterdam named pussy, aka the puss... so pussy sends me this email today which goes a little like this:

dear evil,
did they not teach you at (b-list canadian university) that plagiarism is a crime? though i really don't mind if you lift lines from my emails. it is an honour to see them on your blog. perhaps you can regale us with stories of your new and improved sex life? and i would like to know what happened to the 2nd comment i posted on your site? have you got the power to delete them? i am appalled at the censorship. you of all people should support freedom of speech. i look forward to your response to these matters.
sincerely,
the puss

and i am thinking like, damn, why you all up on me like that? a.) i have no idea what line it is that i allegedly stole and b.) i didn't delete shit... if you left a comment then you must've fucked it up. just ask cap'n bosworth j. shrimpstain (keep on living the dream, brother) if you don't believe me. my reply went like this:

pussy,
have you forgotten to take your meds again? i haven't the gentlest idea what you are talking about.
regrets,
evil

but this email exchange does not a yarn make. the real story here is how she got the name pussy... she actually had a real name when i met her back in '03 in vansterdam's bohemian mount pleasant 'hood, but one evening after giving her pubic thatch a good wednesday evening bicking (fortified by some bc bud and a couple stiff drinks) this chick just get in poontang's and t-tunt's grill and is all like "you wanna see my pussy? i'll show you my pussy!" then, with a rock star's flourish, jerks her pants off and shrieks: "pussay! pussay!" while flashing her tight cunt in the air... and she's been pussy ever since.

i kid you not. but then she replies again:

sir evil,
i should have known that my email would end up on your site. Although, I think you need to get your facts straight. i don't shave my pussy. i only wax. it really cuts down on the bumps and razor burn. maybe you should try it. also, i only shrieked, "pussay", one time.
yours,
puss-o-rama

the royal canadian haiku factory would like to take this opportunity to offer puss-o-rama our sincerest apoligies for the misrepresentation of facts. thank you for the clarificationne...

farewell

the dilettante departed yesterday afternoon with a flourish... at this point i'm unclear where he has gone and when he will be back. i've compiled a list of the following things left unattended by the dilettante before his grand exit...
- soiled bedding left on bed
- computer left on, with msn messenger conversation in progress
- soiled towels and swim trunks left in shitter
- pictures of his many parents/step-parents left lying about
- black pussy left unfed
- key and f.o.b. unprepared for ola's (the new tenant) arrival
- bedroom curtain still broken
- sink drain in shitter still leaking water into bucket
- caulking in kitchen and bathroom unfinished
- framed picture of former canadian prime minister louis st. laurent left hanging on wall
- framed picture of the canadian charter of rights and freedoms left hanging on the wall
- closet full of clothes still hanging on hangers (ola would mistake them for value village clothes)
ahh... but i shall miss the dilettante. the challenge will be to keep this blog interesting now that the dilettante has left and i am enjoying the renaissance of my sex life. maybe I can regale you with old yarns...