poontang

continuing on the "critical analysis of my inbox" series, i thought this might be of interest to my readers:

evil,
i am sitting at work it's three in the morning and I am sick as a cunt, alternating between shivering with rigours and then popping pills and sweating it out. as you can imagine, poonie's tight cunt ain't smelling so pretty-dolly. my parents are here (from manitoba). my brother just left. he got it on with a hot designer of government clothing who we met at dadabase. it prompted him to want to move here, i say cheeeeeers to our friend ignacio!
so i am wondering if you are travelling westward for the summer, i am trying to decide whether to make the eastern trip or not. i would really like to save some money this year, i am trying to be a bit more mature about spending. just like the liberals...promises, promises. i saw my quote on your blog. -------------------------this section has been deleted to protect the innocent------------------------------ agnieska the polish pimp left me a message the other day: princess, do you want to get together and have threesome with hot boys? hmmm, I may have to think about that, although I do seem to be getting my fair share anyhow. my mother brought my sister some old photos she found in her old room at the homestead. she said "you might want to destroy these..." poon-sissy opens them up and there she is going buck wild with a big black cock in her mouth. ahhh, now she understands.
clinically yours.
love poonie xo

i think that one is self explanatory... (however, your comments are welcome) and to answer your question poontang, i have no idea when i'll be in vansterdam next... think i'm staying in ot-twat this summer, but hope to pop out for a visit...

cunt meets dick

i received this piece of correspondence from vansterdam yesterday... names have been changed to protect the innocent.

hey evil
that would be cool if you were going to be in t.o. at the same time!!! i won't get my cunt all excited though........i could really use some evil dick time though. let me know when you know what the deal is and if it doesn't work i'll see about possibly coming to o-twat. in other news, have you heard?---cunt's getting dick....i've been seeing someone for about a month and a half.....and have welcomed dick back into my life and am loving it.---we met at the bozmans which is sort of funny. don't worry.....dick will be coming your way soon.------has poontang mentioned we see your pal philley everywhere?----not sure why that just popped into my head while talking about dick. Anyways, keep me posted...
until then,
cunt

my reply the following evening, went something like this:

cunt,
no sooner did you say it, than dick did return to my life again in the form of le belge tres charmant et grand (courtesy of the french flamer). thanks for your karma. moreover, i'm pleased to hear that dick has returned to your life, and trust me, any dick met at bozmans is good dick indeed... as for t.o., i'm realizing that that is not entirely the hottest week for me to go on a drinking tour of the golden horseshoe... so if you can make it to blah-tawa for a day or two, i will make it worth your while. if you cannot make it, i will see what i can do on my end... oh, and next time you see philley tell him i say hello...
a bientot,
evil

line of the day 7

"this is downtown ottawa on a friday night??? it like beirut."
-french flamer (on his first visit to ottawa's not-so-bustling bank street)

line of the day 6

"can't piss... too stoned..."
- evil

end of an era

my entries of late have been morbidly depressing. my apologies... i suffered the great rejectionne on monday and my compromised self esteem temporarily collapsed from the blow. true to my stern emotionless presbyterian upbringing, i have rebounded and am on my way to a full recovery... the french flamer is due to arrive from montreal tomorrow and he will inflate my spirits even further with a night on the town and much alcohol consumption... purple pole will join and it shall be a party. i've also decided to grow a fine beard.

the dilettante has decided to leave our humble abode in pursuit of opportunities elsewhere... granola ola from vancity has agreed to move in on terms to be decided soon. black pussy will eventually go with. (foto by agata)

intervention

the dilettante corners me this morning on my way out the door. i was going to meet the purple pole at the second cup on bank and slater and still hadn't dressed my moist glistening body after my morning douche, but he said it couldn't wait...

the dilettante says: sit in the lounge... i want to talk to you about something...

evil says: what?

dilettante: on a scale of one to ten how depressed are you?

evil (lying through his teeth): six...

dilettante: are you sure?

evil: oh yes, of corpse...

the dilettante would go on to berate me about moving back to vansterdam... seems in light of the recent day's events (which i've been intentionally vague about), i've been a moody motherfucker to share a flat with. claims life will be better if only i get the fuck out of ottawa. at this point i'm tempted. later, we smoke some tokes and talk about the meaning of life and how death awaits all of us...

embracing life

the dilettante announces that he is reducing his peace pipe intake and has now taken to embracing life... evil smokes alone. we'll see how long this keeps up.

peter and belinda

the dilettante rolled in this morning before eight am fresh from his romp with the debutante. he stank of sexual gratification. i was awake at this hour as black pussy was charitable enough to walk on my face and yow from six am onward... the dilettante had a copy of the ottawa citizen under his arm with peter and belinda's beaming mugs on the cover. arrogance. flaunting their aryan heterosexuality to the canadian public in exchange for votes. they will rule this country someday based on their looks alone... wait for it. canadians are dying for some sex from their political leaders... if mr. dithers could supply the canadian masses with more sex appeal the liberals wouldn't be in such a harsh tokes position right now with the electorate. canadians want their stiff cocks and tight cunts as much as the british...

debutante

i arrive home from the gym today to find the dilettante lying in bed curled under the covers in the fetal position at 4:00 in the afternoon...

the dilettante says: i'm in a fugue.

evil says: me as well. i want to kill myself

dilettante: me too. let's kill ourselves.

evil: why are we so wretched?

dilettante: because we smoke too many drugs...

evil: that's bullocks. i've been smoking drugs since i was knee high to a cunt and i've never felt so worthless... it's becuase i'm sexually undesirable... and stupid... and all the homos in o-twat are ugly.

dilettante: we smoke too many drugs...

black pussy says: yow yow yow meow yow yow...

phone rings and it's the debutante... ex to the dilettante. works as a press type and lives in some dive neighbourhood in the gat...

dilettante (on the phone): evil and i want to kill ourselves

the debutante says: pourquoi?

dilettante: becuase we're wretched... evil! why do we want to kill ourselves again?

evil: because we're wretched, the homos in o-twat are fat and stupid, we're sexually undesirable, and it's february in o-twat and the weather is starting to get to us...

dilettante repeats this into phone to debuatante, and adds: we've been smoking too much dope...

evil disrobes and enters the shower... later, a neighbour overhears screams of ecstacy from the debutantes gat flat.

we'll make millions...

the dilettante and i frequently write haikus about things that interest us. our masterplan has been to develop an online site for haiku -- a haiku engine, if you will -- and establish a pay as you go system where people can subscribe and get the six o'clock news read to them in haiku format by cell or email...

oh, paul martin's jowls
sponsorship scandal headache
you're as mad as hell...

existentialism

the dilettante and I just enjoyed our nightly peace pipe session with black pussy. the dilettante is reading something about existentialism right now. he's dropped three references into tonights conversation already...

eva stone

this bitch is hot... put her name into the search engine and you can watch some of her videos on zed

line of the day 5

this one was overheard by some cunt in vansterdam... it made me smile.

"i always seem drunk...but i am."
- poontang (speaking in vansterdam)

line of the day 4

"sometimes after you eat the cheese, you gotta go for the pepper...”
- the dilettante

line of the day 3

"you’re also an asshole. i’m just more upfront about it."
- the dilettante (to evil)